Why I gave up dating apps for the month of March
Disclaimer: It is NOT because I found the love of my life. Sorry, mom.
My last boyfriend was in my senior year of high school. His name was Brian and he was (in retrospect) a really terrible boyfriend with parents who hated me and a Justin Bieber haircut – you can imagine. We had what was called an “on-again-off-again” relationship and I spent about 50% of my high school career following him around and convincing our friends that we were soulmates. What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic (and was really dumb in high school).
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Serria, you said that was your last boyfriend. That can’t be true! You’re such a catch, men must have been lining up to take you out over the past five years!” I know, friends, I know. It’s shocking! (Especially considering the active dating lives of my close friends Jen and Zach.) But it’s very very true. I haven’t dated a single person since my senior year of high school.
Let’s let that sink in for a moment.
Now, that’s not to say I haven’t had my share of love life drama. There were, of course, guys who I loved who (for some weird reason) didn’t love me back.
Gavin: the first boy I liked my freshman year of college. He was cute and mysterious and turned out to be some kind of drug dealer who dropped out of college. I believe he is a “rapper” now.
Jason: a groovy, blonde-haired boy who lived down the hall from my best friend.
Jordan J: I mean he’s a 6’3″ frat star with wash board abs – this was clearly expected. I’m actually great friends with him now. Even after the infamous “You’re so great! Just give me a chance.” texting fiasco of 2012.
Jordan P: We went to high school together and wound up having a college class together. He was the first boy I ever worked up the nerve to ask out and turned me down – in a very polite way, thankfully.
Danny: The only guy man-child I’ve been interested in since moving to New York. Long story short, we shared a romantic kiss at a bar and he promptly (and physically) ran away from me 2 minutes later. (I’m serious, ask me for full details.)
There were also more serious love interests that never amounted to anything.
Michael: He requested I call him “Mac Daddy” in this post, which I think says a lot about how great he is. I loved Michael basically all of my high school career – as he was my first real boyfriend for all of 14 days – and well into college. He and I are still good friends and I trust him more than most people I talk to everyday even though we speak maybe 15 times a year. He has the best heart and caused me a lot of heartache over the past eight years. I realize this sounds really oxymoronic, but it’s just the best way to explain our relationship. (Mac Daddy, you rock, never change.)
Nalon: I met him at a fraternity party my freshman year of college. He was cute and (seemingly) friends with my friends, so I spent the evening running into him in rooms and hallways, with lots of awkward, public frat house kissing. Later in the night, I was pushed into a scenario that was no longer public and or just kissing. After pushing my way up and out of the locked-door situation, I was lucky to have gotten out of the near-sexual assault – thanks in large part to the incredibly supportive and honorable Greek community I was a part of who was looking for me. I think about this situation any and every time I consider kissing a boy.
Zachary: I performed in a show at Cedar Point the summer after my freshman year – a job that now has zero relevance to my career – and I made very good friends with one of our stage hands. (You need to realize that as a theatre girl, a straight and attractive stage hand is UNHEARD of, so this was a very big deal.) I went back to school and we remained friends, talking on and off over the years. He eventually moved to Portland, which brings us to January of 2016 when we decided I’d come visit him. I’d never been and was excited to be reunited with (who I hoped was) the long lost love of my life! Until three weeks before my trip when he stopped speaking to me. I spent a week attempting to get a text or call or message from him about whether I should come, and never heard anything. So I changed my flight the week before I was supposed to fly across the country, and visited my awesome aunt instead. I still haven’t heard from Zachary.
John: John was one of my best friends in my last two years of college. He and I had almost every class together and lived down the street from each other senior year, and did everything together. Bars, study sessions, dinners, bars again. Late in my junior year I realized I was actually in love with him – I realize I am prone to this kind of struggling love – but with us having a very similar friend group and my being friends with his lovely girlfriend, I was in no place to do anything about it. We were close and I became dependent on him for a lot of things in my life. I finally let him know how I felt and he reacted the best way he could have in the situation, which left us with months of tiptoeing around this new relationship we had. In terms of people I trusted with my mind and body and heart and self, John was (and will always be) one of the few. We had a rough patch, then I moved away to New York, and then we had another weird patch. Now we are working our way back to being normal and I’m very thankful to have my pal back.
So, needless to say, I have not had a boyfriend. But BOY have I had the drama. When I moved to NYC, I was hoping I’d have better luck. In a city of 8 million people there are bound to be more men who want to date me, right? LOL, wrong.
I moved here and downloaded what felt like millions of dating apps, and spent a lot of time perfecting the perfect pick up line when introducing myself to men. And that was the problem: the amount of time I spent on the dating apps. Perfecting the profile, choosing the photos, swiping during any free minute – it was all consuming.
So, for the month of March, I took a break and deleted all of my dating apps.
I didn’t change the way I met people or swear off guys all together, I just removed the digital introductions. And let me tell you – it was absolutely amazing and the best (romantic) month I’ve had, ever in a while.
At first… It was weird. I typically filled any empty time (at lunch, walking to work, in a cab) swiping, so I had all of this empty time to fill. There were actually times I picked up my phone to check Bumble and forgot it wasn’t on my phone. Like a phantom limb, but way less pain and way more confusion.
But then… I found out there are PLENTY of other ways to spend your time instead of obsessing about the amount of cleavage you have and how cute the guy “really” is dating apps. I found myself reading more news, going to the gym more (but not THAT much more, don’t get crazy), spending more time invested in conversations with my friends, and significantly further in every Netflix series I was watching.
And most importantly… I realized how much happier I was when I spent no time worrying about why no one was “super liking” me on Tinder or responding to any of my messages. I evaluated myself on my own – which, by the way, was not a super fun task, but without the assistance of beer-chugging, douche bags telling me they “meant to swipe left, sry.” (REAL STORY. ASK ME ABOUT IT.)
So now… I’m not re-downloading the apps. Because I think I am too funny and too great (and too annoyed with most people on dating apps) to let them take up so much of my time. Some people meet their soulmates on those things – I know this, and that is great for them. I have always loved the dating apps, I am definitely PRO dating apps, just not for myself. For the time being, anyway.
Eventually I’ll have to write the “I asked people out for the entire month and here’s what happened…” blog, but until then I’m going to keep loving the extra phone space I now have and fill it with important things – screenshots and food delivery apps.
This post was originally published on April 16, 2016.