When Did Women Stop Loving Themselves?

Seriously. When did this happen?

I am a social, 20-year-old, relatively happy college student with 130 sorority sisters and an incredibly blessed life, and yet almost everyday I am thinking about how I’m not good enough. And not in the “I suck, tell me how pretty I am,” way; I’m talking the “I will never have was it takes, why can’t I be someone else?” way. Which I realize for a large number of girls my age is a huge problem and has been a huge problem for way too long.

So after three years of having these mini-self-loathing fits every other day, I can’t help but wonder why I have them at all. Or why any of us have them at all. Why would we think we aren’t capable, when so many of us are getting college degrees and starting amazing careers and taking risks to succeed? Why would we think we aren’t beautiful, when we spend most mornings fixing our hair and makeup just to make ourselves happy? Why would we think we aren’t brave, when every single day we take risks and try to make ourselves better? Why would we think we aren’t nice enough or are too much of a pushover, when in reality we are trying to make everyone around us as well as ourselves happy?

Why do we think these things? The truth is what we’ve been told for years: We don’t have what it takes.

\The sources we get these thoughts from aren’t just the ads with stick thin models in them and douche bag boys who ignore us in class, they come from a couple of different places:

1. Where we come from: Hey mom.
I don’t know about you guys, but I am a spitting image of my mother. Okay well not a spitting image, but if you had a conversation with us, one right after the other, you would be amazed at how similar we really are. We can finish each others’ sentences and predict exactly how the other will react to any piece of news we have to share. We have a minimum of three phone calls a day and can beat ANYONE in a game of Taboo. My mom wasn’t always my closest friend growing up. Considering I was a teenaged, high-schooler and my mom was trying to make sure I didn’t end up dropped out or pregnant (I mean really, how dare she?) we ran into some…. Disagreements.

But my mother and I didn’t have a lifetime of disagreements transformed into best friendship. We also spent a lot of time at the grocery store together. And at the dinner table together. And at the mall. And in the car. And in dressing rooms. And at restaurants. And book stores. And my high school. And our living room. Often when we were at some of these places, I can remember my mom saying something negative about herself. And I can remember her telling me something positive about me. I loved the support my mom gave me. But looking back, that was strange. Why would someone would put themselves down and then say something so awesome about me. Why didn’t she just tell herself those awesome things?

Kasey Edwards, an author from Melbourne, wrote this amazing letter to her mom that really hit home with me and brought up these thoughts. Now that I’m older, I know that my mom is absolutely amazing. She serves in Haiti every year and loves God and just lost 60lbs (WOO, I see you momma!). But I think it takes a toll on us, seeing our moms work so hard and tell us how great we are, while they bring themselves down and make themselves feel smaller than they actually are. Lily Meyers said it wonderfully in this poem, about how we inherit things from our mothers without even realizing it.

2. Society: specifically movies and TV characters.
Models are crazy skinny and crazy tall. Most of them are unrealistically edited and a little terrifying, to be honest. And the actresses on the red carpet are stunningly beautiful (Truly. How much would it cost for me to get a makeup artist like they have?) in their long gowns. So this is a huge shout-out to those actresses, that are causing the boys in our classes and at our jobs and in our lives to think we normal (non-famous) girls are supposed to look like that. Because we aren’t. Some of us are actually that stick thin and makeup-coated, and if that’s you- ROCK OUT, you look phenomenal. But more of us look like normal girls and wear normal size clothing and put on a regular amount of makeup and are BEAUTIFUL ANYWAY.

And another thing. Why is it now cool to be mean and edgy and unlikeable? Honestly. I am incredibly sarcastic and witty, it’s just how I’ve been for as long as I can remember. But what happened to the sweet girls we met in middle school and then went to high school and college only to be corrupted. Being nice is not lame. It does not make you “weak” or a “pushover” like so many current movies and television shows lead us to believe. Willa Paskin, on Slate.com, couldn’t have said it better.

Being unlikeable has made so many of the nice girls feel like they aren’t what’s “in” anymore- and it is getting ridiculous. Just because you aren’t as thin or mean or crazy as Lindsay Lohan doesn’t mean a guy won’t love you. It does NOT mean you aren’t awesome just because you don’t sleep people. You be who you are, because that is awesome and that is true.

There are hundreds of influences on our psyche. But these we have some control over. Our moms need love too, ladies. The next time you give yourself that pump-up talk before class? Call your mom and tell her how much you love her too. And the next time you get down on yourself because you aren’t Jennifer Lawrence, throw on those new jeans and go see Catching Fire on a self-date (I mean yeah she’s beautiful but the movies are just so good…). Because we HAVE to start liking ourselves and we HAVE to start supporting ourselves.

We have to start believing we are good enough, because news flash girls: We are.